From a spam comment: 'respectfully faxless'
This is the correct form for writing letters informing somebody that you only have a telex machine, you see.
In a couple of months, CERN, the European body which collects large particle accelerators and invents the Internet, will be turning on the rather un-inspiringly named Large Hadron Collider (LHC). The purpose, I believe, is to poke at some elementary particle or other, with, before now, hasn't been adequately poked.
So far, so boring. However, a mad American botanist (MAB) has decided to sue said European body in an American court (SSEBIAA) to prevent it switching on aforementioned giant particle accelerator, because he thinks that it will destroy the universe. He did the same thing last year when some similarly, though not quite as, large accelerator was switched on in the US. The universe stubbornly went on existing, of course, but people with wacky beliefs are rarely put off by the universe not exploding the first time they predict it.
The worst of it is that none of the vaguely plausible hideous disaster scenarios associated with the LHC involve the destruction of the universe, only the destruction of the Earth. It might make create strangelets, a form of hypothetical evil matter which eats people, or it might make ikkle black holes; I gather that Stephen Hawking is expected to save the world if this happens. CERN scientists say that both are rather unlikely.
In any case, please do remember to celebrate Possible End of the World (but not Universe) day, sometime in June. At the appointed hour, glare suspiciously in the direction of Switzerland, and watch out for killer strangelets and/or Stephen Hawking leaping into action.
The problem with being a monopoly is that you don't really have much of an opportunity to increase your market share. Realistically, there are only so many people who want to push their absurd ads on the Internet.
And so it is for Google. For the last few years they've seen stellar growth. As a result they've a stranglehold on online advertising. This is all very nice, but it means that they're not going to be able to maintain the growth rates that their shareholders have come to effect.
Well, it comes down to this. Next and previous buttons on ads. Stupid, and no-one will ever use them, but they have to grab at anything they have. In the past year, the Google AdSense blog has been full of this sort of nonsense. Ads on everything, none of them really making the same splash as AdSense for Content. When it comes to it, who wants ads on their phone, or their cat, or whatever?
It's sad, but what can be done? The way Google is going, someone else may soon have the opportunity to take over.
So, in early May, Bertie Ahern, our glorious leader, will be resigning, and the Mahon Tribunal will suddenly drop out of the public eye.
Anyway, I think that this is great news. So great, in fact, that I hope to have a little party to celebrate. The ceremonial burning of the brown envelope will have to wait, I'm afraid, until Fianna Fáil loses power; I mean, Brian Cowen, really! Of course, then we'll have Fianna Gael in power. Won't that be nice. The correct celebration for Fianna Gael falling from power is, as is well known, the burning of Enda Kenny.
Oh, dear. I should really think about moving to a proper democracy; this place gets me down sometimes. Of course, there are so few left, and more or less no English-speaking ones...
After not having used it for 20 minutes or so today, I opened the lid of my new Macbook Pro to see, well, something like this, though without the swirly effect; that seems to one of those taking-photos-of-screens issues:
Vertical dark bars down the screen, more visible on low light settings.
There's a forum post on the subject here, and, as it says, opening and shutting the lid again fixes the problem. This leads me to believe that it's probably a software or firmware problem; maybe some of the screen illumination isn't being switched on correctly.
Scary, nonetheless. I wonder how common it is?
Oddly, it's not the first weird display issue I've had, but the first one was definitely software and only started happening after I upgraded to 10.5.2. Scrolling slowly in Safari would cause some minor distortion of the page being viewed, and buttons in Eclipse flicker madly. This has only happened twice, and rebooting seems to fix it, but annoying all the same.
So, the other day I Googled for the word 'goat'. As one does. It's one of my standard test phrases. Don't look at me like that, it's perfectly normal. Anyway, my search resulted in the following AdWords:
Goats on eBay! Compare goats! Erm, gout. See, this is why people have issues with AdWords. No-one searching for goats is interested in gout. Actually, I'm not at all sure that anyone this century is interested in gout.
And then there was this:
Yes, dear, it is very, very weird.
Ah, but, as always, I've saved the best for last. Please note that last AdWord. First, I don't know why it's remotely appropriate to the search term, but really, that's hardly the point.
What is Howrse? Well, it's a massively multiplayer game... with 600,000 players... where you breed imaginary horses. Yes, really.
No-one normal gets excited about horse sex, digital or not, to the extent of using italics. I'm quite definite on this point.
From the terms and conditions:
Players should only apply the advice provided by OWLIENT in relation to the Game within the context of the Game. OWLIENT warns Players that the advice given (in particular in the breeder's manual) as to how to rear their horse and manage their equestrian centre, is merely provided as a rough guide. In no way should the information and advice provided by OWLIENT be interpreted as applying to the rearing of a real horse, or the management of a real equestrian centre.
Translation: in the real world, merely submitting a HTTP form will not make horses shag.
Sometimes, the Internet scares me.
So, a New Zealand man rang the police claiming to have been raped by a wombat. Apparently, it turned him into an Australian.
That isn't the good bit. That's just tedious Reuters 'Oddly Enough' material. The good bit is that he was charged with "using a telephone for a fictitious purpose." I'm sorry, what?!
I recently had the pleasure of seeing one of those programmes on the BBC where odd presenters help people to find a new house.
But this was an episode with a difference. You see, it featured Jess Conrad. Who the fuck is Jess Conrad, you might reasonably ask. Why, he was a minor pop-star and teen idol, he turned up in some bad movies, and he was the Voice of Viagra (really)!
Oh, it was dreadful. Representative quote (by the man himself): "Could Jess Conrad live in a house like this? I think he could." He didn't buy the house in the end; 25,000 over budget is a deal-breaker for even the greatest celebrities.
A hopeless, pathetic namedropper who talks in the third person and thinks he's a star. Really, it was cringeworthy. If he wasn't so inherently dislikeable, I'd have almost felt sorry for him.
If you'd like him to show up at your star-studded charity golf event, his lacklustre website is here.
In August 2003 he and Renee celebrated their 40th Wedding Anniversary with a star-studded garden party.
Sad, sad.
From some random crap website:
No further comment, m'lud.
Here's a comparison of what the packaging for various German packaged food shows, versus what the food actually looks like.
Quite frankly, a lot of the food looks less scary in real life than in the photos...
Not in this case, though:
I mean, the concept of herring salad is bad enough, the photo nauseating, but the real thing... Excuse me; I think, I'd better visit the bathroom. After all, someone has to make it!
It should be noted that the Germans seem to think that a sort of wallpaper paste is an acceptable substitute for potatoes. Repeatedly. Fairly certain that that was what World War II was about.
Also, ,see the flags on the products. Most of the more dreadful concoctions are blamed, with little credibility, on other nations. Remind me not to buy processed food in Lidl...
